It was the Monday night after Trans Baviaans 2011 that I received an sms along the lines of: “China, in deep negotiations with Payne for you to second us in the Desert Dash. If you are keen send a “Y”. If not just send an “FU”. Passport in order?”
That was four months ago and since then Andrew (Andy-Pandy) and Trevor (Beast) had been racking up some serious “pro-miles” in anticipation for the 340km Desert Dash between Windhoek and Swakopmund. After finishing third and fourth in the 2010 edition, they were obviously intent on improving, with an overall win not out of the question.
I kept a diary of sorts of the 2011 trip so as to make for easy(ish) reading for their legions of fans and hopefully for a point of reference for them to use in order to win Desert Dash 2012.
Wednesday 14 December:
It’s pouring with rain as we arrive at CT International. Warren and Stefan kindly give us a lift there, luggage and all. After discovering we can’t take deodorant and sharp tools in our hand luggage, we manage to get them stowed in the Beast’s bike box and head for the Bidvest executive lounge. Beast tries to get me in for free as his boyfriend and shows the teller a photo of his daughter proclaiming that “this is our daughter that Jason gave birth to. Jase – it was sore, hey?” Needless to say he has to pay a R180-00 cover charge so I am encouraged to flatten the buffet.
We arrive in a balmy Windhoek and set off to the Arrebusch Lodge in our hired mini-van (taxi). We have a lekker dinner at the lodge except for Andrew, who sends his raw steak back three times with Ivan the waiter. It’s decided that breakfast will be at 7:30 tomorrow before a bit of admin, shopping and warmup ride followed by a nap and race briefing. I’m put to sleep by the Beast’s constant farting.
Trivia: do you know that you cannot fart while asleep?
Google it.
Thursday 15 December:
We are rocked by the news that Andrew has not slept well and has been upgraded to accommodation complete with an en-suite bathroom and longer counter. After a breakfast discussion about the merits of Endomondo and Beast’s sauntering stride, the boys head off to CycleTech and Claire has some time to herself after listening to our constant “shit-talk” since CT International.
I look around CycleTech while Beast and Payne talk shop with Tokkie (Frank), Ziggy and Uwe Schmidt, who arrives on his bike resplendent with Cinelli TT bars (short version). I notice that Uwe has 4:29 registered on his cycle computer – is it 4hrs29min or 4min29sec? I have to say that Cycle Tech could well put a few “high-end” bike shops in SA to shame. The place is well stocked with everything cycling plus offers sports massage and even sells Vibram Five-Fingers “barefoot” shoes.
“The South African government has declared yet another public holiday, which is scheduled for…” The Beast turns the radio off and Andrew spits fire wanting to know what day it is. “I’ll Google it Andy,” laughs the Beast as he stalls the car.
We arrive back at the Lodge complete with a spare wheel and two clusters and the guys prepare for a 1 hour leg loosener on the first part of the route, complete with race radios.
It’s already 35 deg as we head out and the banter starts straight away, like when we are climbing past the police stop:
Andrew: “I want your “A” game.”
Jason: “Andrew, Uwe is coming up behind you guys.”
Andrew (sharply looks over his shoulder): “Where? Where?”
Jason: “Ha, ha, ha. You stupid @#$#!”
We head back to base and the Beast, who was very quiet throughout the ride, realizes that he has just got a “zebra-tan” after only an hour outdoors.
After a R700.00 shopping spree at the local mall, it’s time for lunch (at Nandos), a rest and race briefing. Dinner at the casino and then it’s off to bed.
Friday 16 September:
Race day dawns and the nerves are setting in. After another tempestuous breakfast, Claire and I head into town for some last minute shopping while the lads pace up and down their rooms. Windhoek reminds me a lot of Pietermaritzburg with all its hills and dales (OK, not as green). We find out at the bike shop that Mannie Heymans is definitely not riding but that there is a top Italian rider competing, who has been flown in by the race sponsors (FNB) especially for the event.
“F!@# the Italian” responds Andrew to the news while Trevor struts around the room practicing his victory salute.
It’s amazing how time drags when you wait all day for a 3pm start. Claire makes us lunch while I fumble around with the vehicle stickers and food boxes. The temperature has risen to the mid-thirties as Andy Pandy and Beastie Boy mount their Cannondales for the ride to the start.
The start is chaos with support vehicles backed up right into the casino. We are lucky to make it out quickly and “hightail” it out of there to Checkpoint 1, which is chock a block full of support cars/bakkies/campervans.
The leaders (Ballardini, Uwe Schmidt, Heino Redecke and some team riders) are about 1 minute ahead of Andrew and Trevor. Unbeknown to us, a bearded-fellow with long, soft flowing hair had paced the front group up to this point although he was not officially part of the race. This guy turned out to be Rapha Condor pro Dan Craven and the bunch was “rather unsettled” for the first 30km. After a quick change of bottles and PowerBars, Claire and I pack up for Checkpoint 2. We are glad to be one of the first vehicles on the route now and out of the traffic.
The drive to Checkpoint 2 is beautiful in the late afternoon sun but two things are constantly in the back of mind – don’t roll the minibus and don’t get lost and miss the seconding point. Driving over the Us pass, I feel like a 19th century explorer dicing the enemy through the desert.
Enough waffling: Beast and Payne arrive at CP2 flustered, hot, dehydrated and grumpy as f@#$, although they are doing rather well. A pesky headwind has been prominent since CP 1. Interestingly, the leading rider Ballardini stops for close to 10 minutes as does Redecke (who sits down for 20 min), Uwe (who changes shoes for the first time) and the team riders. Beast and Payne are in and out in less than 2 minutes and only 90 seconds behind the Italian-South African combination.
It’s dusk now and driving is difficult, meaning I can see F-all. We finally reach CP 3 and Claire once again prepares the food while I loiter around Uwe’s seconding car finding out info and even checking out there expected timing splits, which are flipping accurate! Feeling rather proud of my intelligence gathering, I saunter back to the car and get the chain lube ready as they guys should be in soon. Ballardini arrives and promptly carries on riding into the darkness only for his seconds to sprint after him and guide him back. After another leisurely stop, he then proceeds to fall off his bike, sputters a “Mama Mia” and disappears into the darkness. Andy and Trevor arrive with Payne not in the best of shape by his own admission. Uwe has fallen quite far back, so Beast is in “bulletproof” mode. We pass them a few kms up the road and Andrew is complaining about his chest, what with all the dust. Trevor is looking good and sitting upright like he did in 1992 when “bliksemed” all-comers, so things are getting rather exciting.
Arriving at CP 4 at Ballardini is rather quicker this time – approximately 90 seconds. A two-man team rider arrives, then another and then I hear: “Bailey needs to up his game now. We need splits and we’re not giving up second and third place because you’re feeling kak mate!”
They need splits because Uwe has closed the gap again and this time changes shorts in the road while Beast and Payne head off onto the 4x4 track, which will go on for 11km before rejoining the main drag to Swakopmund. We see Ballardini stopped at the water point 30 km before CP 5 and about 2km later the lead rider from a four-man team, who is speeding along the pipeline. An onshore wind makes CP 5 a nightmare, especially for the riders who have negotiated soft sand for 30km and have another 20km of this to go before reaching the outskirts of Swakopmund.
The four-man team comes and goes followed by Ballardini, a German two-man team (resplendent in white shorts) while all of a sudden a Hope light appears over the dark ridge. It’s the Beast, who does a skid on the tar next to the van, knocks back a Coke and flies out of the checkpoint with fire in his Oakleys. Apparently Andrew has made the unselfish call to let him go to retain second place and suffer alone. Not knowing how far back Andrew is unsettles us as there is only 30km to go. After 45 minutes we are worried so Claire and I make an executive decision: Claire will stay at CP5 with Andrew’s food and warm clothes while I “klap” it to Swakopmund, find the Beast, give him warm clothes and drill it back to CP5 to fetch her.
After a difficult drive through the fog, I find the Beast exchanging war stories with Uwe (who finished third) and our buddy Gus from JHB. Trevor has finished second and even caught the German two-man team, finishing approximately 20 minutes behind the elusive Italian! After some high-fives and congratulatory slurs, some bags are unpacked and I “wikkel” back to CP 5. It’s light now and suddenly the true landscape of the surroundings is visible – ie nothing! A pipeline and lots of sand.
I am relieved to find that Andrew has passed through, complaining of sore eyes. We find out later that he has actually burnt his eyelids with all the glare and dust as well as deciding to take a detour towards Angola! Thank goodness Trevor gave him his battery and his Hope Endurance light guided him to CP5 eventually. Andrew is still holding fourth place, so he is not too disappointed considering the circumstances. We arrive back in Swakopmund just in time to see Andy Pandy cross the line. Talk about guts – the oke rode on fumes from halfway onwards.
The following 36 hours passed by in a blur of food, booze and some “tok-tokkie” in the streets of Swakopmund before heading back to Cape Town via Dune 7 and Walvis Bay airport. Trevor managed to astound us with his excellent general knowledge: do you know that Walvis Bay has the highest salt content in the world meaning that cars are only insured for five years?
Google it.
